Brian Alone

List of things to do before I die...

1. Learn how to play any song on a guitar. Preferably a good one.

2. Plant a tree. Any kind. Wait, I take that back. The growing kind.

3. Ride a lawn mower. A sitting one. Drink cheap beer if available.

4. Make a Thanksgiving meal. Deli turkey and Potato Buds may be substituted for turkey's torso and actual potatoes.

5. Learn to surf. Optimally in Australia. Make sure instructor is attractive and has legit accent.

6. Sit at a bonfire all night with friends and watch the sun come up. Again, cheap beer drinking is an option. I did this once but I didn't know the majority of the people there so it wasn't as cool.

7. Take a road trip to nowhere. Just go somewhere. Don't have reservations or plans.

8. Live in a big city. Remember that big is a relative word...

9. Surprise people often. In pleasant ways.

10. Buy new belt.

You can't claim to be a fan of a team that you don't really know anything about.

You have to know who your team's quarterback is. This is the premier position in football. If you don't know who the quarterback of your team is, then you're not really a fan.

You have to be able to name two other people on your team aside from the quarterback. Extra points if you can name a defensive player and an offensive player.

If you can fit the above minimum criteria, I will accept your claim of being a fan of whatever team.

For me to respect you as a fan of a team, you need to meet some extra criteria.

You actually have to watch some the games your team plays. At least turn on Sportscenter for the highlights or follow along on the internet. How can you be a fan if you don't actually follow your team? If your team has a losing record and you still watch every game, extra bonus points.

If you can name all 22 offensive and defensive starters week to week, I respect your fandom. Or you're a fantasy football geek.

If you watch the games of your team's main rival every week and root vehemently against them, I respect that.

There are some teams that people like just because they win year after year or because they like the color of their uniforms.

New England - There are no actual Patriots fans. Just some guys from Boston who need something to do while the Sox aren't playing.

Dallas - If you don't know who Tom Landry is, you're not really a Cowboys fan.

Pittsburgh - If you don't know what the Immaculate Reception is, you're not really a Steelers fan.

San Francisco - If you haven't watched a game since the 90s, you are not a Niners fan.

Oakland - You are ridiculous.

Has anybody been wondering where I've been? Well you should get a Facebook.

NBA season started tonight. Too many good teams that got better in the off season. Woot!

The Bengals are awesome, period.

It snowed today. Who's ready for some winter? Um, anyone want to give me some new tires?

You know what sucks? Driving an hour to work everyday. Then driving an hour home every night. Boo, driving. Yay beer!

Kool-Aid is still awesome.

Did you vote for Obama? That's not change, that's more of the same.

You know what I missed when our satellite was out? 11pm Jeopardy on GSN. Who doesn't love Alex?

Ashley and I are going to be illegal aliens for Halloween. I need a back pack full of babies, a flannel shirt, the social security card of a deceased 98 year old man, and will use phrases like "Waas Sappening?"

Colsen will be a monkey.

I'm tired. And I have to watch Jeopardy.

My dad gets some serious road rage when he is behind the wheel. I once was in the car with him when he threatened to run over a pedestrian and made some unkind gestures toward the person. Had traffic not started moving, I think he may have gotten out of the car to throw down.

I, myself, don't really understand road rage. My life doesn't suck so much that I have to take it out on some unsuspecting drivers. I'm generally not in a hurry. I don't use my horn, though I think sometimes I should. My biggest concern when I am driving is filling the time with some quality driving music.

One of my favorite things that happens out on the road is when an impatient driver tailgates then passes me the first chance he/she gets. I see them speed off into the distance ahead. Then I catch up to them at a stop sign or where they are stuck unable to pass another driver moving at a reasonable speed. I'm laughing on the inside thinking about how this person probably wastes a lot more gas than I do with their constant accelerating. Just one of those little wins in life that I count on my imaginary air chalk board.

I drive a Chevy Tahoe. Don't think I feel threatened by you road ragers thinking you can bully me around in your hybrid Honda. You know who you are...

Just calm down. The only thing you can control is yourself and your entire approach to this wonderful activity we call driving. My advice? Turn up the tunes and let Dexy's Midnight Runners cool you down (Come On Eileen = My song of the day). Roll down your window, get some wind in your face, and enjoy the ride.

When I stumble upon an internet video that claims to have some sweet football action and it turns out to be soccer. Lame.

People who don't want Brett Favre to unretire and play again.

When I get a new friend request on Facebook, but it's just somebody that I previously had denied as a friend. No, I'm not going to be your friend. Stop sending stupid requests. I'm not a Facebook whore.

Minute rice. Really? You can't wait for more than a minute for good rice?

Mice. I had to pay $300 for all the wires they ate in my Tahoe. Thanks, mice. I'm glad I have mice hunting cats in my house.

Stupid songs by Kenny Chesney. I like Kenny Chesney for the most part, but every so often he releases a sucky song.

Rum. See previous post.

Advertised "topless" car washes where they don't wash the top of your car. I paid you money now wash my whole car and take your shirt off.

Size D batteries. Really? Size D? Why aren't all batteries the same? Especially camera batteries, what's the deal with those? Or cell phone batteries? What about cell phone chargers? I'm glad I have to buy a new car charger every time I get a new phone. Thanks, cell phone makers.

Cell phone makers. See above.

People who don't like dogs. Or babies. What's wrong with you?

Oscar winning movies. Give me some action. Some comedy. I don't want to watch a movie that I don't understand. Blow something up. Make fart jokes.

GM. Thanks for taking my tax money and using it among other things to pay for someone's car who shouldn't have bought that car in the first place. If they lose their job? Tell them to trade in that brand new car for a 1986 Ford Escort. Something they can afford. Don't make their payments for them.

Riding in airplanes. Mostly because of the motion sickness.

Swine Flu. Stay away from me if you are sick.

Shiraz. Not my favorite wine.

Staying up past my bed time. Good night!

I couldn't fill in a top 5 for what I was drinking on my roughest nights ever. I only have 2 nights I consider rough nights.

Night #1 - We were having a little get together at Chris's house. Captain Morgan got started early. By 10pm my night was done. I believe some of you have seen the picture of me on the couch with a bucket. Yeah, that was that night.

Night #2 - This one happened in Oregon with some rum and coke. It was a mini-pitcher. No bucket involved this time, just me on the floor with my head out the door redecorating the back porch.

The aftermath - Puking for most of the next day on both occasions.

Me and rum are no longer friends.

It's my crack. I have been visiting Facebook a lot lately. I even post updates with my phone. I take it with me.

One thing that I really like is that my old high school friends seem to be much more active on Facebook. We have been posting photos and doing a much better job of keeping in touch. It's good to reminisce about the old times.

Then there's all the apps. I'm on my way to getting internet drunk with all the drinks that are getting passed my way.

The quizzes are the most addicting. I can sit here all day and do different quizzes about the 80's, movies, general stuff, etc. Who doesn't love a good quiz about The Smurfs?

And I'm in a band... of merry men... with tights.

I realize this is coming a little early, but everyday I hear a PSA on the radio about talking to your kids about sex. So here it goes. Obviously I will have some time to perfect it, but thought I would get the basics down now. You can never be too prepared.

Son,

Don't start having sex unless you have money to either support a child or buy yourself some antibiotics. I'm not paying for any of that crap. Ok, ok, I might soften up to a grandchild, but you're on your own for antibiotics (you dirty slut).

Don't meet girls to have sex with on Myspace. That's not her picture. In fact, that's probably a man.

Condoms work... most of the time. The chances of the condom breaking grow exponentially with how ugly the girl is. I have created this graph to explain my point:


Never lower your standards. That's what masturbation is for.

Don't watch porn when you're a horny teenager trying to figure out how to do it. This is not sex. This is porn. This doesn't happen in real life. Unless you are a Minnesota Viking.

The first time is quick. Well, most of the time it will be quick, until you figure out what you're doing. And no, that wasn't great for her. It's not all about you. Listen to your partner.

Sex is messy. There are juices and sweat. Take a shower. People can smell that.

The pullout method does not work. That's where you came from.

Yes, sex makes babies. Biologically, that's what it's for.